What is Brauer Search:

Brauer Search is the search for Ray Brauer, a young lad who disappeared in early 1987. Even though his family is completey dead now we belive finding his body would give some sort of closure to the citizens of Verona. We are a government fundend operation and get strong support from Jimmy Carter and his cult. The government pays all of our expenses except for bail we need pay to get Dr. Janet Janicky, our forensics expert, out of jail. She is in jail for destroying evidence, and south Chicago. We are looking for him all over, we recently stopped looking in the sky for him.

The Search Team:

Ike Hammer. Brother to Mike Hammer. Ike is half the detective and twice the violent drunkard. He hates everyone he considers young or old. He has checked many bottles in search for possible clues in the whereabouts of Ray Brauer's body. He has a grade 11 education and sleeps in the clothes he's wearing in this picture. He makes MSG and alcohol in his basement and feeds both to stray cats regularly. He was recruited only for the purpose of getting drunk and watching make a fool of himself. His mustache and legs aren't real. Hammer shot off his own legs when he was at the zoo one time and thought that the monkeys were telling him he was a wimp. He promptly drew his gun, shouted "Would a wimp do this?" then emptied two rounds into his legs. He draws his gun every oportunity he gets.

Beasto. We're aren't sure if he exists. We recieved this picture in the mail when he joined the team but have never met him. We spoke on the phone and he speaks english remarkably well. He was telling us to put a animated rotating skull on the page or he would kill us all with his fire shooting powers which he demonstrated over the phone for us. Killey knows a lot about his species and says he can shoot lightning from his eyes. We have added a page on how to remain safe if him of any of his kind attack.

Killey "Maniac Killer" Cappilary. Worked in a gun factory in WW2. Has a PHD in war history and was in the army for 35 years disguised as a man. We don't need any kind of weapons training on the team seeing as we are looking for a (probably) dead man. She speaks very much like Beasto and also requested a rotating skull. Only we aren't giving her a rotating skull anymore!

Slickity Slam Slack Shlak-Shack Sibrack-a-Lack. Slick was a gangster before he was assasinated. We figured since he was dead he might know where dead people hang about and be able find things out about finding Ray Brauer. So far we've attempted to give him his missions by yelling them quite loud. We aren't sure if he hears us or if he's dead. His favourite movie is Weekend at Bernie's. He is beginning to stink.

Crabshack. A Vietnam vetern who recieved no medals for his duties as a cook, supply clerk and quarter back in Platoon 131313. He had war paint tatooed on his skin and had an operation that alows his head to come off and on so that he may smoke and not get get lung cancer, he has been treated for mouth, tongue and throat cancer. He voted for Bob Dole and believes in the death penalty, but only for crimminals. He often stands against walls in musuems pretending to be an exhibit, then begins scaringing kids by speaking. He worked as a personal bodyguard for Jimmy Carter for 2 years before getting fired for distrubting flyers on flight safety while he should have been on duty. He then moved on to be a bodyguard for Slick a gangster who was shot while Crabshack was frying oysters in a the kitchen in his home across town. When he saw Slick's body on the news he considered himself fired.

Jordan MacArthy. After being issued his gun and Brauer Search patrol car we haven't heard from him. we beleive him to be following up a lead or dead. He told us he had voted for George Bush, we later discovered George Bush did not run in 96 and that Jordan was too young to vote and drive. His name may in fact not be Jordan MacArthy seeing as it took him three tries to spell it right. The name Jordan MacArthy was also mysteriously put on his license with a label maker.

Dr. Janet Janicky. A forensic expert in prison awaiting trial for arson and destroying evidence. When we offered to pay her bail to get her out to help find Ray Brauer's body she was certainly interested. Her trial is going to start as soon as they can ensemble 12 people (she hasn't attempted to kill) for an impartial jury. She has admitted to "every crime in the world" to the press then ate the cameras of many reporters. We didn't think that would effect the trial in a positive way. She recently attempted painting herself like the walls in her cell so that the guards wouldn't be able to find her and she could escape. Being color-blind she painted herself bright white in grey cell. The paint caused her skin to get a rash. She is now get sevre rash therapy in a hospital where she has already tied 9 of the doctors to the florecent lighting system. The only photos we could find of her were in the back of police cars, shouting.

Colonel H.G. Brendon Bozwell a.k.a. Tyson Janicky. He ate our mascot, which was a stuffed toy of a dead body, our mascot was in bad taste anyway. He is Janet's son and has tried to free his mother from prison telepathically many times. She did not diffuse through the wall of the prison as he planned. He then began to believe strongly in voodoo and tried making dolls of some of the guards at the prison his mother was in. Which was strangely enough a youth detention centre and she's 39. He then ran into the prison stabbing furiously at the voodoo dolls hoping the guards would drop to the ground. Though not a prisonner they beat him and threw him in "the hole". We accepted him because he promissed to make us a doll of Beasto that we could use if Beasto attacks. Killey doesn't think he stands a chance against Beasto. He has his own web page that he updates almost daily. In his web page he doesn't mention any involvement with Brauer Search or any members on the team.
Progress in the Search:

March 21 1995: We got a coffee machine for Brauer Search H.Q. We issued guns and patrol cars.

March 17 1997: Fire is dangerous. Ike got his fingers burnt playing with matches and can no longer manage the phone seeing as it hurts his fingers to press the buttons. An old friend of Crabshack's told us he saw Jordan in New Orleans and vandalls had painted over the Brauer Search logo on his patrol car.

March 22 1997: We got cups to contain the coffee from our machine in.

March 26 1997: Ike broke our coffee machine. We've begun collecting bricks hurled through our window. We are hoping to use the bricks to build a wall to stop Beasto if he ever tries to attack. We recieved a call from Beasto, when Killey was out of the room, threatning some of our lives.

March 27 1997: Followed up a lead. We went to an old warehouse and were beaten up. From now on we don't trust notes stuck to the bricks that come through our window. We've stopped replaceing the window.

March 31 1997: We all got Pogos. But then Beasto called and told us to give them all to Killey. It was nice of Beasto because Killey was at home and would have missed out on the pogos.

April 1 1997: A new month. April. It's a tricky month. We thought we had found Jordan but he turned out to be his twin when we asked. We are all out of promotionnal Brauer Search pens after Ike sucked the ink out of all of them.

April 2 1997: Janet's trial is moving very slow seeing as she screams from 4:00 a.m. to 6:30 p.m. so loud that no can speak. We can not get her out on bail because the judge said she was crazy and she said she'd kill everybody if they let her go. What a joke! She couldn't kill Beasto!

April 4 1997: Damn, I wish Ike hadn't broke the coffee machine. We keep stepping on the glass every time we walk by that spot. that problem would be solved if we had enough money to hire a janitor to clean it up, or if we wore shoes.

April 5 1997: Ike got his revenge and cleaned up the mess at once! You know what they say; kill two hikers with one avalanche! He used the pieces of the coffee machine to beat the monkeys in the zoo. The monkeys stole one of his fake legs but he clearly won the fight.

April 7 1997: Massive progress in the search! We met an actual friend of Ray's and interviewed her. Her name is Juliet Hazelkiller. Here is the transcript for that very interview.

Juliet is sitting in chair i'm sitting in another one facing the wall.

Crabshack: Do you know where Ray could be now?

Juliet: No. You guys got coffee?

Crabshack: Yes here.

Juliet: Thanks, you know it took a lot of money for bus fair to get here and I was thinking you could spot me the cash.

Crabshack: Sure. How much?

Juliet: 10 bucks.

Crabshack: Here. So when was the last time you saw Ray?

Juliet: Ray Brown? Ray Johnson? C'mon man, Ray who?

Crabshack: Ray Brauer.

Juliet: I don't know. Could have been in junior high. Yeah, it was definately grade 8!

Crabshack: Ray was in grade 11 when he disappeared. You know that right?

Juliet: Shut up man! I'm sick of this garbage! Quit invading my privacy!

Crabshack: Juliet, what the hell is your problem!?! Don't make me slap you!

Juliet: I am no longer Juliet! I am now the demon from hell; Jane, Hazelkiller.

Crabshack: You get the hell out of my office!

Jane: Gladly! See you in hell!

Jane storms out.

Crabshack: Well, that was productive.

Ike: Hey where the hell did that girl go?

Crabshack: Hell.

April 8 1997: Juliet stole our desks on the way out from her interview. I should have seen her to the door.

April 10 1997: We used our guns today. Finally. Some idiots dropped by the Brauer Search building to offer us some God damn brochures, so we shot them!

April 11 1997: We went up to Toronto yesterday looking for Ray. We robbed a couple guys.

April 12 1997: Some guy came and said he saw Ray out in a ditch. We went out there and there was a dead guy matching Ray's description and wearing a name tag that said Ray Brauer, we thought it could be him. Janet tested his DNA and she said it turned out to be Elvis Hoffa. Her DNA machine looks a lot like a muffler with some styro foam cernels taped to it.

April 14 1997: We went downtown and whipped bottles at loitering teenagers.

April 15 1997: We got money from disguising ourselves as Wendy's employees and robbing people as came through the drivethrough. We went to see Liar Liar. It made no sense.

April 18 1997: We've had non-stop proud-to-be-Irish parties! Irish number one!

April 19 1997: Using funds to make green beer! Weeee! Killey said Beasto is English and that means he colonized the country we're celebrating. Who cares! He never attacks anyway!

April 21 1997: We put Ike in a tire and pushed him down a hill, mimicing a Beavis and Butt-Head episode. Only when we did it Ike rolled off a cliff and is now in a coma along with the nuns he landed on.

April 22 1997: Ike died after we used his IV units as water balloons in a giant water and blood fight that took us battling around the hospital. We used needles as squirt guns.

April 23 1997: We went to Ike's house to tell his mother her son was dead. We rang the doorbell and she shot at us so we smoked her out! We set the house on fire and let her come running out! When she did we got the shotgun out of her arm by shoot her in the hand. We gave her the bad news in the forme of dramatic scene parodying Apocalypse Now.

April 24 1997: We found Jordan's twin brother again. This time we robbed him!

Arpil 26 1997: Ike's funeral was today, I thought it would be funny if I burped his favorite song. His mother got so mad (she hates The Mary Tyler Moore theme) and shot at me.

April 28 1997: We went to the art gallery and stole a bunch of stuff. Ray wasn't there.

April 31 1997: We went to see Das Boot director's cut. We got mad when they made us pay for Slick. He's dead! He's not going to see the movie! So we tied his liesh to a pole outside the theatre and when we got out of the film a bum had stolen all his clothes. All of us hate touching dead naked people so we left him there.

May 1 1997: A new month. May's a tricky month. We thought we had found Jordan but it turned out to be Charleton Heston when we asked. He looked like Jordan and talked like him too. I wonder why he turned around when we yelled "Jordan"?

May 2 1997: Sometimes I feel like we're going around in squares or something.

May 4 1997: We got a steak. But they fought over it to the point of injuring eachother so badly that we couldn't chew it. Our mouthes are still all swolen up. Execpt me, I carry mustard gas with me at all times, so I just took a wiff of my canester of gas and it burned out the inside of my mouth! I can fit a foot long sub in my mouth now.

May 5 1997: We don't have many people left on the team. I just noitced that. Funny.

May 7 1997: Janet tried to escape from prision again. This time they just let her go. The guards were sick of her eating all the bars off the cells. She got a mile from the prision and became disoriented and severed her own leg and set it on fire to make smoke signals for help attracting only 3 bears that beat her savagely. She got the leg sewn back on and is still alive.

Agust 20 1998: I hit a guy into the engine of plane and he got all chewed up and spit out, I always wanted to do that. Its a shame it had to happen to my son-in-law.

Awgust 23 1998: Its almost a new millenium, 2K is a tricky millenium.

Auhgust 24 1998: The police found Ray and through his corpse at the step of the HQ but we wanted to find him ourselves, ya know like Easter egg hunt. So we hired a guy to hide him again. The cops said we were a disgrace, we got back at them by solving a bunch of their crimes! HA!

September 2 1998: September is a tricky month, we followed up a lead but found nothing. We decided not to take leads attached to a carrot that had been driven into a monkey skull and left on Ike's car. We've started using funds to airbrush "bastardo" on his car, we think it would be a funny gag if we rolled the bastardo car through the wall of this hospital we were supoosed to give Ike's money to when he died. The money paid for all of us to see Snake Eyes. The way I figure it seeing a movie about a guy getting shot at a boxing match is the same as charity. Besides the hospital is on the other end of town and none of us felt like the trip just to help some kids.

September 5 1998: Janet bought us a dog to help sniff out Ray's body. It used to be drug dog before Janet stole it. We named the dog "Air-conditioning " in the hope that he would adapt to his name and begin providing us with cool air.

September 12 1998: I guess you're not supposed to feed a drug dog drugs. The filthy mutt's dead and we're devoting 100% of our time to figuring out how to get all that cocaine back out.

September 14 1998: Air-conditioning's body is gone. Killey said Beasto smoked the dog with his amazing fire-breathing power so that he could get the cocaine. Killey's been acting paranoid and has a really red nose with fur in it, I guess that's what happen when you're German.

September 15 1998: Ray's out there, I can feel him getting stronger.